Learning to Be Alone

It has been a hot minute since a did a personal post and today I wanted to write about a personal journey of mine, learning to be alone with myself.

You see for most of my life I tended to stay in relationships way too long because I didn’t like to be alone. I would rather be with someone who wasn’t necessarily right for me than to be alone. I have always been a relationship type of girl because I didn’t like being alone. I would go from one long term relationship to the next and most guys I dated for years never short relationships.

After Matt and I separated and he moved out I started a relationship very quickly after that that would last a little over a year. I took zero time for myself to process our divorce and what I was going through. I just threw myself into this relationship wanting companionship and someone to be with me and distract from all the crap that was going down in my life. I expected him to be my knight in shinning armor and solve my problems and bring me happiness because hell I didn’t want to take a hard look at myself and the fact that I was in my thirties getting divorced and going to be a single mom of 2. I am the queen of brushing things under the rug. Even in relationships I have a hard time voicing when things are wrong because I don’t like dealing with the hard stuff. I want everyone else to fix it and make it right. Like I have said before it took me a long time to learn happiness is an inside job. You can’t trust anyone to do that for you.

I used to dread the weekends when Matt had the kids and my boyfriend at the time would be busy. I would want him to be at my house every night, he even lived with us for a few months because I was craving that connection and company. I didn’t want to be alone and didn’t know how to be alone. I was scared of being with myself and an empty house and my anxious thoughts. I would always make plans so I didn’t have to be alone. Friends would say you are so lucky to get an entire weekend to yourself and I would say no I’m not I dread it.

As ya’ll know that relationship ended last Summer for several reasons. I immediately jumped back on the dating train getting set up on dates, dated a few guys briefly but never felt happy. But still I would continue to go on second and third dates with guys I knew were not the right fit for me. I always felt a pit in the bottom of my stomach and my anxiety was at an all time high. I am talking panic attacks and the worst anxiety I have ever felt.

A few months ago I decided to make a list every weekend of things I wanted to accomplish. Little projects here and there I never had time to do. I also started taking hour long walks most days. My doctor really recommended getting outside each day to exercise to help with my anxiety. I would turn on a podcast and just walk. I would listen to motivational podcasts, beauty, entertainment really anything. I came to love those walks and I am now addicted to listening to podcasts. I also decided to take a break from dating and dating apps. I felt they were depressing me more than making me happy. I always felt the need to have a man to complete me and make me happy but maybe I didn’t need that man, maybe I could find that happiness on my own.

I started to realize how full my life actually was without a man. I had 2 precious kids, wonderful parents and friends. I had invites for plans most weekends when I was kid free and invites for plans when I had the kids as well. My social circle was very full and loving without having to go on dates. This is when I really started to practice gratitude for the things I had in my life. I would think there are women out there who have never been married and women who desperately want to have kids and can’t get pregnant. Look how lucky you are. Yes you are divorced but you got two blessing out of that divorce. I would go in every night and look at my kids sleeping and thank God for them (still do). I wasn’t really alone.

I used to be embarrassed I was divorced. Now I proudly wear that crown and I am proud to be a single mom and proud of what I am capable doing on my own. I have learned to treasure my time alone. It is funny I just told my therapist my favorite thing now when the kids are gone is to pour a glass of wine lay on the couch and watch a movie alone. Before I would never want an entire evening to myself now I look forward to those evenings so much. I also can get in bed at night and work and watch all the crappy reality TV I want to. Now on the weekends without the kids I look forward to the break, it has helped me to become a better mom and I can get so many things done.

I am dating casually now but don’t feel the need to have someone just to have someone. I also don’t feel the need to be with that person everyday. I made plenty of bad relationship mistakes because of fear of being alone. Now I am enjoying taking things slowly no rush and I know I am just fine on my own with myself and my two precious kids.

Along the way I actually started to look forward to being alone, I learned to go walk the Farmer’s Market alone, go have a coffee alone all things that before I would never want to do alone. Now I treasure the time with myself. I think because along this journey I have come to give myself grace and love and compassion. If you can’t love yourself and be alone with yourself how can you ever be with someone else? To be honest I hated myself after the divorce it was such a low point in my life and took a horrible toll on my self confidence. I had lost my voice and my ability to love myself. I have worked hard to get that voice back and be gentle with myself. We all are doing the best we can to get by.

We all make mistakes and have highs and lows in life. You have to be kind and gentle with yourself. No one’s journey is the same so you just have to embrace where are at this time in your life. Overthinking and negative self talk are two of the worst things you can do. Being able to be alone with yourself is a wonderful gift. xoxo

26 Comments

  1. Katherine
    September 26, 2019 / 12:22 pm

    Keep being you–you’re rocking life! And, I totally appreciate your honesty and ability to be real with yourself and all of your followers!

  2. Megan Parker
    September 26, 2019 / 12:39 pm

    So happy for you! Thank you for being so open and honest. I’m so proud of you and your journey. Your kids are very lucky to have you as their Mom.

  3. Mary
    September 26, 2019 / 1:20 pm

    Truer words were never spoken. A man does not complete you. I am so happy to hear you love your time alone now. You need it to recharge. Divorce is never easy, but I am so happy to see you & Matt coparenting, making the kids number 1. As they say, when you least expect it, you’ll met someone, all in God’s timing. He knows the course you’ll take, just enjoy each day. As I tell my kids, this is all you get, this isn’t a dress rehearsal, it’s your life, live it fully each day.

  4. Danielle
    September 26, 2019 / 1:35 pm

    I love how open and honest you are! As mothers we often overlook ourselves and we must make time for ourselves because we are just as special as those we are constantly doing for. Giving yourself that time alone is a perfect way to get in touch with yourself and force yourself to do something for you! Kudos to you for overcoming your obstacle. I know it’s not a done deal, but it sounds like you are well on your way!

  5. Tamalia
    September 26, 2019 / 1:49 pm

    Hi, I’ve have followed you for years and never commented. You really saved me this morning. I have the same exact story. Long term relationships that weren’t right. A divorce and two kids. Just ended a six year relationship with someone that wasn’t right for me but it still hurts like hell. I need to be alone. I need to find my own peace and happiness. Thank you for posting this!

  6. Kathryn
    September 26, 2019 / 1:51 pm

    ❤️❤️❤️

  7. Taylor
    September 26, 2019 / 2:08 pm

    Exactly what I needed to read today. Thank you for your honesty, you’re very inspiring.

  8. Toni :0)
    September 26, 2019 / 4:11 pm

    I’m so happy for you. That you’ve found your peace and what makes you most happy. That’s a huge step in the right direction. I love a quiet house and just being home with me and the dog if the hubby and kids are doing their thing. I’ve come to appreciate being alone myself. It does a body good! Cheers to your continued health and happiness. Your a favorite read of mine because of how real you are. Keep up the great work.

  9. Christina L Orso
    September 26, 2019 / 4:30 pm

    xoxoox 🙂

  10. Morgan
    September 26, 2019 / 8:09 pm

    Thank you so much for this

  11. Lauren Burke
    September 26, 2019 / 9:54 pm

    Well said- from one single mama to another!!

  12. Lauren
    September 26, 2019 / 9:59 pm

    Thank you for sharing your heart. I love your authenticity and transparency. This is why I always have and always will read your blog.

  13. Natalie
    September 26, 2019 / 10:40 pm

    ❤️❤️

  14. carol
    September 26, 2019 / 11:47 pm

    Good to hear you are finally finding your way to being a whole person alone. Until you are confident That way you will never attract what you need. I always was confused how you went from a marriage to a dating relationship in the blink of an eye
    (Just being real here). I’m wondering 3 things:
    what your take is in introducing dates to the kids MY take is don’t do it. Perhaps you can expound on that another time
    Also…the EX is remarried..right? How did you explain that to the kids? Do you have any interactions with the new Mrs
    Mason? Lots of material for a future post!

  15. Liv
    September 27, 2019 / 12:09 am

    Thank your vulnerability and honesty! Being alone is something I learned the hard way, too! Do you know your Enneagram?? The Enneagram is brand new to me, but I feel so much more self-aware knowing more about my personality type!! Your post reminded me of that because 9’s tend to brush everything under the rug in order to “keep the peace” and maintain harmony. And I HATE being home alone even for a couple hours. So that rang true for me!!! <3 Keep up the good work! Love following you and cheering for you…

  16. Arlene
    September 27, 2019 / 12:24 am

    Have been following you forever. I’m old enough to be your mother. But proud of you as a mother would be. Life can be garbage. It’s so hard. No one likes to be alone. My friends think it’s odd if I go out for a meal by myself. I think it’s awesome. Enjoy your time with your kids and family and then enjoy those moments alone. It’s ok

  17. GrammyDeb
    September 27, 2019 / 2:36 am

    Natalie you are a beautiful woman…your grace, honesty, and perseverance will bring you forward. Love your heart, recipes, decor and fashion. Continue to nurture yourself and those sweet kiddos. My favorite quote to quell anxiety…”all will be well”. Wishing you unexpected joy and daily happiness.

  18. Lori
    September 27, 2019 / 11:47 am

    Your vulnerability is helping others, including me. I divorced after 27 years of marriage and am learning to love myself and figure out who I truly am. You’re so right a man doesn’t complete you..only God can do that. I’m kind of the opposite of you now. I went from living with my parents to being married. So I’m so enjoying my life right now on my own and doing just what I want. I have a dear family and group of friends who keep me busy. Again thank you for your honesty. Life can be hard and we need each other to get through these times. Happy weekend to you.

  19. Megan
    September 27, 2019 / 1:14 pm

    Just what I needed! You got this girl!

  20. Jan
    September 27, 2019 / 4:30 pm

    Bravo, Natalie! I’m so glad for you that you are taking the time to REALLY figure out what you need and want for your future.
    Jan

  21. September 27, 2019 / 5:21 pm

    I love true and real people. thank you for sharing to the world. you go girl! XOXO

  22. Dana
    September 27, 2019 / 9:21 pm

    Wonderful post !!!

  23. R Leigh
    September 27, 2019 / 10:27 pm

    Never commented on ANY social media. Ever. This was a very good, personal post. We’ve all been in tough, dark places. Thanks for sharing yours. Thanks for not trying to show us “perfect” but showing us human. That alone is a treat for readers. You’ve handled your sharing with dignity. I hope you don’t give up these windows into real life – they make your blog special. You’re doing great and I hope you continue to do so.

  24. Alyssa
    September 28, 2019 / 1:02 am

    Needed this today. Thank you for sharing and being so open!

  25. September 30, 2019 / 1:14 pm

    Your words are so right on. You take care of YOU ! You will come across Mr. right someday and that connection will be what you need. Have a fabulous Monday ! Thanks for sharing.

  26. Lindsey STRUZNIK
    October 1, 2019 / 9:57 pm

    You are my favorite!!!!

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